Market THIS!

Products! We need new products! Current US markets obviously don't provide sufficient consumer goods. We need MORE . . . we are Americans, after all.

Organic Honeysuckle Nectar
Organic Honeysuckle Nectar would be produced without pesticides, herbicides, or machinery. Naked Vegetarian Virgin Goddesses would plant and harvest Organic Honeysuckle under optimal conditions, by moonlight. Upon harvest, each flower would be gently plucked. The stem would be delicately and slowly pulled from the flower's center, and the very small quantity of oozing nectar caught in a stoneware container. The product would be edible; could be used as a fragrance; could also be marketed as a hair conditioner, aphrodisiac and immune system booster. Drawbacks: Organic Honeysuckle Nectar would be very time consuming and expensive to produce and would have a very short shelf life due to it's lack of preservatives. It would cost approximately $500.00 per the half oz.

Organic Cotton Balls
Is it really necessary to process the entire cotton crop? Since cotton naturally sprouts from the earth in the form of poofy little balls anyway, why not simply market them as is? Leave them in the hull, which would provide a natural protective covering. Cut the individual hull covered poofs from the stalk. Put them in a gift basket and wrap with brightly colored cellophane wrap and ribbon. Put in upscale retail stores. Charge an arm and a leg. Watch the product quickly disappear from store shelves. Drawbacks: There might be consumer litigation due to the fact that cotton hulls are extremely sharp and tend to cut through skin. The ever-present redundant consumer warning label would probably not prevent accidents and lawsuits.

Dog TV Dinners
The ultimate in convenience, nutrition, and variety for our cuddly four- legged friends! Flavors might include Beef Chunk/Peas and Carrots/Cherry Cobbler Medley; Turkey/Mashed Potato/Cranberry Surprise; Chicken/Pasta/Spinach Casserole. For finicky eaters, canine pheromone enhanced Dog TV Dinners would be available. Also: the I Just Rolled In Dead Fish Smell enhanced Dog TV Dinner. Soon YOUR dog can have a Pavlovian response to the sound of the microwave timer! Ding! Woof! Drawbacks: Your pooch may never eat the cheap stuff again.

Diversified Fragrances
Why not be really creative, and add common, everyday scents to the mix of floral, spice, woods, herbs, fruit, and whatever else that happens to be in perfumes and colognes? Adding the scent of U.S. Currency to women's fragrances might attract men and drive them absolutely wild; adding the scent of chocolate to men's cologne could make women swoon; undertones of Mom's Apple Pie or Macaroni And Cheese Casserole would be a subversive addition to women's fragrances. The possible blends would be endless. Fragrances could be created to help the wearer achieve certain ends. It's Voodoo by Calvin Klein! Sniff! Not just for romance anymore! Drawbacks: Aromatherapy could be used for purposes of evil. Wait. Maybe it already is.

Miscellaneous Products
The Mega Fry And Dip From RonKo
It's the first combination deep fryer and hot tub! Perfect for those holiday gatherings! Fry up a huge vat of your favorite breaded hor d' oeuvres. Then simply drain your Mega Fry And Dip, refill with water, and have a relaxing soak with your friends! It's a must have item, from those innovators at RonKo!

The Clone-A-Matic Cloning Kit From RonKo
Would YOU like to achieve a greater sense of power over time, space, and other people? Would you like to create a whole new YOU? Confound your spouse, boss, and friends! The Clone-A-Matic Cloning Kit contains everything that you need to replicate! DNA Extraction Kit, Homosapien DNA Molecules, DNA Assortment Pak included. Added bonus: The RonKo Create-A-Fake ID Maker, including adhesive nametags (Hello! My Name Is . . .)

The Idiot's Guidebook To Idiot Guidebooks
What marketing genius came up with THIS series of books? See also: (insert subject here) For Dummies. Darn. I wish that I had thought of it.

Now go shopping already! You need more stuff.

My Phone Is Evil

My phone is evil. It is quiet sometimes. I get a sense of mastery over my universe. Just when I think that I'm safe in my reverie, It bleats. It is unpredictable in ways. I am never sure just when It is going to ring. It is sneaky.

Its signal explodes into my environment, necessitating me to pick up Its receiver. With a sense of foreboding, I take the oddly shaped appendage into my hand, and cradle It next to my ear. There are words inside. Soon the words will be inside my head. My brain will be forced to process the words. I will then be forced to send words back. Is this really necessary?

The words are often trivial, repetitive and boring. The words are perhaps evil as well, becoming so through osmosis as they pass through time, space, and phone entity gods. The words bombard me. My voice mail is evil as well. It saves up the words that the phone brings. I hate it when this happens.

My phone and fax machine do not get along. Manifesting a power play, It tends to sabotage the other. Currently, the fax machine is out of order; the phone smirks. Can't we all just get along?

My phone is evil. Perhaps It impacts more than just the fax machine. My adding machine and my pencil sharpener have been acting up lately. It shares a work station with these other entities. Perhaps evil phone vibes radiate down into the desk counter , across, and up into other appliances. This could account for the mysterious electronic math mistakes, and for the violent destruction of number-two pencils.

Though my phone seems evil, It and I are heavily interdependent. I would not have a job without It. It lets me talk to friends. It lets me go to the internet. Life seems full of these little trade-offs. I think that I can cope. It's only evil, after all.

1999