Market THIS

Products! We need new products! Current US markets obviously don’t provide sufficient consumer goods. We need MORE . . . we are Americans, after all.

Organic Honeysuckle Nectar
Organic Honeysuckle Nectar would be produced without pesticides, herbicides, or machinery. Naked Vegetarian Virgin Goddesses would plant and harvest organic honeysuckle under optimal conditions, by moonlight. Upon harvest, each flower would be gently plucked. The stem would be delicately and slowly pulled from the flower’s center, and the very small quantity of oozing nectar caught in a stoneware container. The product would be edible; could be used as a fragrance; could also be marketed as a hair conditioner, aphrodisiac and immune system booster.

Considerations: Organic Honeysuckle Nectar would be very time consuming and expensive to produce and would have a very short shelf life due to its lack of preservatives. It would cost approximately $500.00 per ounce.

Organic Decorative Cotton Balls
Is it really necessary to process all cotton? Since its in the form of attractive round fiber bursts, why not simply market as is? Cut the individual branches from the stalk. Arrange them in a large gift basket and cover with brightly colored cellophane wrap and silky ribbon. Market in upscale retail stores. Watch the product quickly disappear from store shelves.

Consideration: In its natural non-treated state, cotton may attract tiny pests.

Dog TV Dinners
The ultimate in convenience, nutrition, and variety for our cuddly four- legged friends: Flavors might include Beef Chunk/Peas and Carrots/Cherry Cobbler Medley; Turkey/Mashed Potato/Cranberry Surprise; Chicken/Pasta/Spinach Casserole. For finicky eaters, canine pheromone enhanced Dog TV Dinners would be available. Also: the I Just Rolled In Dead Fish enhanced Dog TV Dinner. Soon YOUR dog can have a Pavlovian response to the sound of the microwave timer! Ding! Woof!

Consideration: Your pooch may never eat the cheap stuff again.

Diversified Scents
Why not be creative, and add common, everyday scents to the mix of floral, spice, woods, herbs, fruit, and whatever else that happens to be in perfumes and colognes? Adding the scent of U.S. currency to women’s fragrances might attract men and drive them absolutely wild; adding the scent of chocolate to men’s cologne could make women swoon; undertones of Mom’s apple pie or macaroni and cheese casserole could be a subversive addition to women’s fragrances. The possible blends would be endless. Fragrances could be created to help the wearer achieve certain ends. It’s Voodoo by Calvin Klein! Sniff! Not just for romance anymore!

Consideration: Aromatherapy could be used for purposes of evil. Wait. It already is. I’m assuming.

The Mega Fry And Dip from RonKo
It’s the first combination deep fryer and hot tub! Perfect for those holiday gatherings! Cook a huge vat of your favorite breaded hor d’oeuvres. Then simply drain your Mega Fry And Dip, refill with water, and have a relaxing soak with your friends! It’s a must-have item, from those innovators at RonKo!

Considerations: Users might reek of vegetable oil for days and have strange cravings for tater tots.

The Clone-a-Matic Cloning Kit from RonKo
Would YOU like to achieve a greater sense of power over time, space, and other people? Would you like to create a whole new YOU? Confound your spouse, boss, and friends! The Clone-A-Matic Cloning Kit contains everything that you need to replicate! DNA Extraction Kit, Homosapien DNA Molecules, DNA Assortment Pak included. Added bonus: The RonKo Create-A-Fake ID Maker, including adhesive nametags (Hello! My Name Is . . .)

Considerations: Possible snafus at Acme DNA Inc. could cause frightening results.

The Idiot’s Guidebook to ‘Idiot Guidebooks’
What marketing genius came up with THIS series of books? See also: (insert subject here) for Dummies. Darn. I wish that I’d thought of it.

Considerations: Such guidebooks could potentially help create new mutant products.

Now go shopping already! You need more stuff.