Random Acts of Bloggery

CSI: Las Vegas - Malice Station Needs Help

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 20:40:00 +0000

I caught CSI in syndication, having originally missed it in prime time. I'm absolutely hooked on it. A Helgenberger fan since China Beach and a Petersen fan since Manhunter, the show is a breath of fresh air in its intelligent, quirky characters that defy stereotype. Jorja Fox and Robert David Hall have also become faves. Melinda Clarke is interesting as Lady Heather (a writers' play on trendy names? The Heather-ization/Jason-ification Effect?). Grissom witticisms are to die for - I especially enjoy his philosophical summaries at episode's end. (A consideration: actual CSI squads likely aren't this witty.) A comment on set design: the LV morgue cannot be realistic I'm thinking. Its clean lines, tinted glass, dimmed lighting and bright multi-color orbs and jars on back-lit glass shelving might be atypical. But I LIKE it. I just may re-decorate in smoked glass and bright orbs and mount coroners' tools on the walls.

CSI: Las Vegas - Malice Station Needs Help is entirely fictional.

[Grissom and Willows proceed past check-in and concierge stations, through a gauntlet of marble and glass, to the elevators, up and out into a hall.]

Grissom: We have two VICs, a male and a female. Paul and Mary Blundt. Room 310. They checked in last night.

Willows: What’s that smell?

Grissom: Cheap disinfectant?

Willows: It’s like an alternate universe once you cross the elevator threshold.

Grissom: Yeah. Now let’s do it.

[Location: Room 310. Willows and Grissom peruse the scene]

Grissom: Innocents – an older couple come here on vacation to win a few bucks, see a show and eat inexpensive prime rib. Now they’re dead on cheap carpet.

Willows: It’s ugly, too. Worst color scheme I’ve ever seen.

Grissom: It’s all bad, Katherine.

Willows: Yeah. Let’s get trace. It appears that they struggled for breath, choked somehow. The dropped drinking glass – was the woman trying to get to the bathroom for water when she fell?

Grissom: Could be. We might be looking at ingested toxins of some kind. I don’t see human aggression or theft here.

Willows: Yeah. We’ll see what the team devines.

[Grissom and Willows proceed downstairs, through the lobby and towards an exit.]

Grissom: (Reads an employee’s name tag) Um . . .TREVOR. You have an awfully ritzy lobby here. The rooms are Dante’s Inferno. Malice Station can afford concierge service but not effective housekeepers?

Trevor: Yes, sir. Thank you. Have a nice day!

[Location: LV Crime Lab]

Grissom: Take a drive with me, Katherine.

Willows: Where to, boss?

Grissom: St. George. Cal’s giving us cooperation in seeing the Blundt residence.

Willows: Okay, but will we need protective suits?

Grissom: Nuclear tests . . .what were they thinking? Duck and cover, kids! Your desk and school binder will protect you.

[Grissom and Willows proceed east on I-15, taking Exit 6 to N. Bluff Dr.]

Cal: I can’t believe Paul and Mary are dead. They hardly ever went anyplace or took vacations. Now this.

Willows: You could practically eat off these floors. Or drink out of the toilets. They were good housekeepers no doubt.

Grissom: Yeah. Let’s check for prescription meds or other substances. Did they perhaps intentionally or accidentally ingest a slow-acting agent here, before they left for Vegas?

Willows: If they did and if it’s here, we’ll find it.

[Location: LV Morgue]

Al: The decedents have elevated levels of tryptase, which indicates they died during the night of anaphylaxis – an extreme allergic reaction during which the airway constricts. In this case the culprit would be . . . dust mites.

Grissom: Dust mites . . . could the VICs possibly have had compromised immune systems from living in a spotless environment?

Al: Could be. Things in moderation, my friend. Cleanliness in moderation. And how ironic is this? The Blundts survive a cancer hot zone, leave town, and ultimately die in a crappy hotel room because of dust mites?

Grissom: My philosophy of dust if you will . . . dust, what is it? Some ancients – perhaps fetishists - believed it to be magic – bottled it. We attack it with chemicals. In part it’s the cycling of life debris, cells shedding and degrading, to feed innocent creatures 200 microns long. ‘Tis the food chain, my friends. Dust shall always be with us. [Gil arches his brows, makes eye contact with Willows, slightly curls his lips. Scene ends on single violin note]

Fear of the Bogeymen: The Internet! Nudity! Pandemic! More . . .

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Sun, 17 May 2009 04:11:00 +0000

Yet another alarmist article has hit the media, warning us of the alleged dangers of the internet (people tend to forget that the internet is simply a tool - amongst other tools - all used in a number of ways)! The article refers not to crime, nor violence, but to being exposed to a photograph of male nudity. Traumatized by the image of a penis - I suppose nightmares might ensue. Of course, the person in question didn’t ask to see the photo (perhaps downloading the pesky attachment from an email entitled “Cutest Pet Pics Ever!”). I however imagine that the writer of the article likely grew up in a home with a resident male or two. Perhaps this was a family in denial – reminiscent of a Hayes Code film universe – in which penises didn't exist!

Female breasts: how hypocritical can we be? If said breasts are attached to an entertainer – and/or used in popular media/advertising – the situation mostly raises no issues – unless there is wardrobe malfunction (in which case innocent children are allegedly corrupted!). If the breast in question is dispensing milk in a public place, society can go medieval. So skewed are values that is more acceptable in film scenarios to hack off a breast than to kiss one.

The current Swine Flu concern is reminiscent of the Bush administration Homeland Security Department fanning the flames of human insecurities – remember the color-coded security warnings? There were several bright colors involved as I recall, possibly causing one to awake in the morning pondering “Is it yellow or orange today? Should I go out? Should I stay in?" Mutating viruses are no doubt a cause for concern – but sealing international borders and slaughtering animals seem extreme. Resort to common sense. Wash your hands. Keep your hands off your face. Cover your sneezes. We learned this before first grade, remember?

Vitamin X Prevents Cancer! Vitamin X Causes Cancer! Click here to buy Vitamin X. Oh, the alarmism and informational overload! Is it really necessary to take a plethora of nutritional supplements in order to boost one’s immune system? Maybe. Maybe not. I’ve dropped a lot of vitamins onto the floor, which roll under the fridge. I’m watching for giant mutant cockroaches to crawl out and threaten my dogs.

Now excuse me while I go lock up.

Goode Medicine: A Sitcom That You Likely Won't See

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 03:55:00 +0000

Brad Connor and Heather Corman, two pharmaceutical sales representatives, negotiate the Southern California freeway in a PT Cruiser convertible. They weave in and out of traffic, shadowed by walls of semi-trucks and tall palm trees.

Heather: "Damn, my Lipitor pamphlets just blew away!"

Brad: "You need to keep those packaged."

Heather: "I know, I know, it was an anomaly."

Brad: " 'Anomaly'? Sounds like a new drug. 'Anomaly: take occasionally . . . just because'."

Heather: (sighs) "The company's got to get me a rental, or get my car out of the shop."

Brad: "Like, truly. Sales territory issues. You wear that cheerleader's outfit and seem a bit conspicuous."

Heather: "Remember, Goode Pharmaceuticals recruited me from the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders."

Brad: "Yeah, yeah. They recruited me from the Berkeley croquet team."

Heather: "Let's go pick up lunch for Medical Arts."

Brad: "Right."

#

Brad and Heather take an exit to find a restaurant. Naked human directionals advertise a car wash. They find a drive-through and order turkey sandwiches at the window.

Speaker voice: "Sir, this is a bank."

Brad: "I knew that."

#

Medical Arts Clinic is located next to Back Neck and Shoulder Pain in the Sunrise Center. The building is beige stucco, surrounded by palm trees.

Heather gathers pharmaceutical samples and sandwiches, walks to the entrance and enters the lobby.

Heather: "Is he in?"

Office assistant: "Go on back."

Heather walks down the hall to an empty conference room and enters. She sets up the freebie lunches, walks out and down the hall, connecting with Doctor Fear. She touches his arm, her pompom gently brushing his wrist.

Doctor Fear: "Good morning, Ms. Corman . . . this way, please."

In his office, Doctor Fear takes a seat behind his desk and crosses his hands over his lap. Heather stands across from him.

Heather: "I want to talk to you today about Vivify, the new drug for patients who are on multiple meds. (stretches out arms, shakes pompoms, kicks left then right, repeats)

"ViviFY! ViviFY! Works in seconds! Zaps the fog, starts the brain!

"ViviFY! ViviFY! Lasts for hours! Tweaks the synapses, stops the pain!

"Open the bottle, caress the pill

"Wash it down!

"Vi vi FFFFYYYYYY!" (jumps; performs split).

#

Brad and Heather in car on freeway, yelling, with the top down.

Heather: "Sold him!"

Brad: (sighs) "Yeah."

Heather: "Next stop?"

Brad: (smiles) "Dr. Bronner at Sunset Plaza. We play croquet together."

(Pamphlets litter the freeway)

No pharmaceutical reps were harmed in the creation of this story.

Confessions of a Primetime Snob

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 03:34:00 +0000

I've gone through periods of not watching TV for months or longer. I'd lost interest in typical primetime programming and developed Fear of Bad Sitcoms. I tended to not have hope about the quality of premiering series and didn't bother watching. Cable series such as Sopranos, Six Feet Under and Weeds provided entertainment - along with brit crime fare Prime Suspect, Cracker, etc.

Eventually, due to sleeplessness, satellite and syndication, I'm now hooked on CSI. The original CSI is amazing (CSI:NY is good as well, IMO). Petersen / Helgenberger (and Sinise) have long been faves of mine. The technical research, writing and acting are top notch. What an interesting creative team!

Fur And Loathing

Pirates of the Third Reich

Go To Hell

The Theory of Everything

petersen trivia
If you haven't seen Michael Mann's Manhunter, check it out!

Does anyone remember the 'new' Twilight Zone series from 1985? There was an episode with William Petersen and Frances McDormand solving a mystery in a small southwestern town. Very good. Looking back, the new TZ had some fantastic writers.

The Fire This Time II

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 04:29:00 +0000

With hot, nasty smoke drifting over the hills and a likely mandatory evacuation decree looming, in panic-attack-mode I ran around the apartment packing a few things - while thinking about what would be left behind. My laptop, disks, and computer accessories were ready to go. I found a couple of photo albums and some personal papers. I thought about books and DVDs, where to begin? I re-parked the car for easy getaway (the bichon and terrier are travel-friendly, crate-trained and go easily into their carriers). I packed clothing and toiletries (being extremely lucky to have time to do such things).

We did not have to evacuate after all - for now. 1,400 people here did, by quirk of southern location. Firefighters then got a grip on the fire down the way.

California is thought of by some as 'green' - it is super nurtured desert - its water resources aqueduct-dependent - so that California can be green in its lush landscaping and agribusiness.

California Water History

Chinatown - the film

The Fire This Time

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 19:03:00 +0000

The fire is now a few miles away. I'm getting some things together. Might have to evacuate . . .

11-16-08

So Cal

Somewhere Between Paranoia And Pronoia

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:08:00 +0000

Paranoia has its place, can be self-protective - and can be the basis of interesting fictional characters. The concept of paranoia seems more well-known than its polar opposite: the perk and pep of pronoia. Pronoia is the belief that "the universe conspires to shower one with riches and all things wonderful". I've however noticed the universal effluvia coming my way isn't all roses and greenbacks.

Self help gurus and mass psychological training embody the pronoic mindset: that universal secrets magically transform one's life; that belief systems help you get "it" - until you get that there is no "it" to get. Me thinks the universe is showering seminar creators and motivational speakers with green.

I remain . . . somewhere between paranoia and pronoia.

Read a humorous account of my self-help seminar experience here.

Incense & Peppermints: Is Nothing Sacred?

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 03:16:00 +0000

Goodbye patchouli, cedar, orange blossom, sandalwood, et al - do people really need to be breathing such volatile compounds/by-products? Apparently not. It seemed a good way to scent my environment. In retrospect, it seems one might best simply burn the herbs/essences in their natural form vs. stoking up a toxic, manufactured product.

Patchouli: FEMA has it listed! Apparently aging hippies might use it to overpower the citizenry (think Woody Allen in Sleeper overtaking a guard with limburger cheese)! It takes me back to the nineteen-seventies: a burning stick, a scented wash, a dab of oil. Cedar and orange allegedly have cleansing effect (as does sage). Not attracted to most commercial fragrances, nor sweet/flowery essences, I've always loved woods, spices and citrus.

Sigh. Could the pungent smoke plumes be related to my allergies, nausea, dizziness? Or to cancer? I think I'll bake cinnamon instead.

Remembering Vincent Price

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 02:20:00 +0000

I adore the late Vincent Price. He moved through my childhood and through various film sets, his persona threatening, yet distinguished. In reality he would apply his culinary expertise in a relatively Horrific Food Era (high sodium, American cheese food sauce, canned sauces, iceberg lettuce, processed meats, bacon) - though he managed to use not a few esoteric cooking ingredients. Banana Pancake Flambe Stonehenge could have made for an exciting breakfast blast.

vincent price trivia
From St. Louis, Missouri, he was heir to a baking powder fortune - which allowed him to act full-time.

The classical actor began his horror film era in the early nineteen-fifties.

Director Tim Burton was working on biography of him, when Vincent died in 1993. Burton stated that he was often visited by Vincent's ghost at night in his bedroom (I hope that Vincent brought a nice dish for nocturnal noshing).

Vincent met his third wife, the late actress Coral Browne, on a film set - her character was guillotined.

He had a cooking show, which might be fun to compare to today's Food Network extravaganza.

He partnered with Sears on marketing the Vincent Price Art Collection. Hmm: Sears and art. Kind of a weird association. "Put on your Sunday best, kids. We're going to SEARS!")

Visit the The Vincent Price Gallery
See: Comedy of Terrors and Theatre of Blood

Shaken, Rattled & Rolled

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 00:56:00 +0000

I'd never experienced a 5.4 quake until this morning. I was sitting at my computer when suddenly the floor and walls were ROCKED and ROLLED by awesome power. I had a WTF Moment. My monitors and CPUs bounced. Drawers were knocked open. Glass was broken. By the time the dogs and I ran outside, the quake duration of about 25 seconds had passed. We should all be thankful that the quake was not stronger.

That said, me thinks the media overplayed a bit.

Pulp Fiction: A Secret Life of Paper

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Tue, 13 May 2008 20:36:00 +0000

flash fiction

seedling
The seedlings grow in a seedling farm until they are replanted into sustained-growth managed timberlands. A timberland R. Lee Ermy prevails.

"I don't see you G R O W I N G ! What a bunch of
P A N S I E S! I should send you back to your
M A M A S right now! "

"Promise?"

"Are we going home?"

"I didn't know we were pansies . . ."

tree
"Look. They're bringing in a new bunch. Cute little sprigs."

"I don't see you GROWING! Whaddaya want, BOTTLED WATER? This here polluted groundwater'll put fuzz on your stems!"

chainsaw
"Today you become MATURE GROWTH! Don't blubber like little-bitty BABIES! You can TAKE it!"

mill
The discombobulated wood chips are mixed with water and hydrosulfites.

"We're MELTing . . . we're MELTing!"

"You're tearing me APART!"

office space
Reams of 500 sheet/20 lb are stacked in a retail administrative office. On television is The Wizard of Oz, then Poltergeist. As oaks move their branches and grab screaming human beings, stacks of paper vibrate.

"Power to the wood!"

recycling
"Do you believe in reincarnation?"

"Yes, I want to come back as a movie tree."

Update

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 02:32:00 +0000

I'm writing a novel - and painting once again . . .

Industry News

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Sat, 19 May 2007 22:38:00 +0000

Carroll & Graf and Thunders Mouth imprints are to be discontinued.

http://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6441065.html

@Salon.com (view brief ad to enter): The Struggle for Independents

Spalding Gray: Stories Left To Tell

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 17:06:00 +0000

Stories Left To Tell: I like the way it's structured, with the various aspects/voices of Spalding. The "Spalding Goes To Hollywood" aspect makes me recall hysterical situations and dialogue: Spalding being interviewed for a gig on The Tonight Show; sleazoid producer 'Simon Balzner' ("Love you, LOVE you, LOVE you!"); 'idea lunches' with super healthy, hyper Hollywood people; Spald's answering machine pulsing with network offers. Makes me want to rewatch Terrors of Pleasure and Monster in a Box . . .

I remember Spalding sharing his being interviewed for a possible gig on the Tonight Show. (paraphrasing here)

Interviewer: "You keep going from light to dark! From light to dark! . . . Do you WATCH The Tonight Show?"

(Spalding admitted that he sometimes tuned in --- but would nod off. )

Spalding: "I don't own a TV, but I have access to one!"

Interviewer: "You have ACCESS to one, you have access to one, oh reeeaaally Mr. Gray . . ."

Zen and the Art of Influenza

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 16:12:00 +0000

I hardly EVER get the flu. Not even once a year. Or so I used to tell people. Bad idea. I instinctively knew that bragging about my health could have negative consequences, but felt compelled to boast about my allegedly superior immune system.

"I've got a virus." This is a misnomer. There are many viruses, or viri, potentially at work. And the virus has me, not the other way around.

Viri are now having a party in my body, multiplying, moving and taking new ground. I can feel them. They muddle my brain and settle in my joints, sending zinging little pains up and down the length of my body. The viri keep me up nights. They are a rowdy bunch, having keggers and raves.

But there seem to be advantages to being sick. To wit:

Regular worries and phobias seem to take a back seat. A person lives completely in the now, becoming directly and intuitively meditative, groggily symptom-surfing away the days and nights. Influenzal Zen may manifest.

Illness can be a lesson in submission and tolerance.

Illness may provide one with attention and service from others. Or not.

Illness may provide a conversational incentive:

"Hey! You look terrible!"

"Hey! Why are you puking?"

"Wow. You should have seen me when I had the flu. My case was really baaaaaad." Hint: When people begin to compulsively compare symptoms, and attempt to outdo one another on the Symptom Severity Scale, it's probably time for them to broaden their interests and/or get out more.

zen and the art of contagion
It's all relative.

The body is a wet, pink factory with lots of traffic. It can be a host to many, many different forms of viri and bacteria. Microbes don't discriminate. They don't care who you are: they simply seek shelter and food in the form of a warm body. (Read Richard Preston's The Hot Zone. Wait. Don't.)

Consider that a person is lucky to not have a much more serious health problem, than flu or colds. We can't choose to live in a protective plastic bubble (unless one is into that). But it couldn't hurt to occasionally wash our hands and practice safe human interaction.

Proliferation (Essay Archives)

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 18:57:00 +0000

Proliferation: sounds like a horror flick (practically Cronenbergesque!). Back in the day, I shuddered at the thought of reality television shows multiplying like cockroaches (consider that reality tv is cheaper to produce than series that employ actors and writers).

Reality TV: Surviving
(2000 archives)

Television writers and executives brainstormed.

"Hey, gang, let's put on a show! . . .

"We need something new and fresh and dynamic . . .

"Let's take a diverse group of people, 'real' people . . .

"Let's put them in a controlled environment for a fixed amount of time, and motivate them with money . . . throw in elements of desire and temptation and suspense . . .

"Hey! Let's put them in a haunted house . . . wait . . . no . . .

"On a boat at sea . . .

"On a polar ice cap . . .

"Wait! Let's put them on an island. Yeah, THAT'S the ticket. The skin factor alone should send the ratings through the roof!

"However, no ads or sponsorship for female birth control products or male condoms will be acceptable."

Survivor. Temptation Island. Only the beginning?

Clothing Optional Island
Okay people, we're overdressed here! Let's lose those thongs!

Weight Control Island
An extremely calorie-restricted regiment is utilized. Participants will be denied even rodents, bark, bugs, lizards and leaves. One can never be too thin. "Dahling . . . you look MAHvelous!"

Mass Psychological Training Island
Yes, it's the ultimate encounter group experience! No one is able to escape THIS self-help seminar! If only Werner Erhard had thought of it.

Death Island
Group members are selectively exposed to various deadly contagions. Who got the placebo? Who got the killer bacteria? Who will survive?

Gilligans' Island
Only those with the name of Gilligan need apply.

The Island of Dr. Moreau
Contestants are encouraged to bring their pets.

It's the future of reality programming, folks. Be sure to subscribe to TV Guide and set aside some viewing time.

"You've Got Red on You"

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 05:47:00 +0000

I recently rewatched a few comedy-horror flicks, which I highly recommend . . .

Shaun of the Dead

"You've got red on you" is a clever bit of repeated dialog, and harbinger of things to come. 'The living dead': look closer for an analogy. Protagonist Shaun seems to exist in a 'dead' world. As he rides the bus to work, we become aware of the masses of soul-dead people slogging to work. If Shaun's a loser, he's about to become a hero. Will he get the girl? Again?

Brilliant dialog, slapstick, and satire stylize this quirky comedy/horror flick. The editing is brilliant: flowing yet abrupt scene changes keep us on edge --- along with the somewhat startling soundtrack. In the beginning of the film look for background scenes as characters manifest the onset of zombie metamorphoses. Note: film has shown us that zombies move extremely slowly, that they're not very bright and seem to be food-centric. Therein lie methods for coping with them.

I admit it: the so-called comedy/horror genre has long been a guilty pleasure of mine: An American Werewolf in London . . . Cast A Deadly Spell . . . Cemetery Man. Kudos to the excellent writers, director and cast! Brits Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg are now on my radar. http://imdb.com/title/tt0365748/

Dellamorte Dellamore (Cemetery Man)
In the comedy/horror film based upon the Italian comic strip, Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett) is the guardian of Buffalora cemetery and is responsible for disposing of "The Returners", those dead who return seven days after being buried. Francesco is a busy man; I'd love to read his Day Planner (or Night Planner as it were). The film is artistically shot, wickedly funny, satirical, full of visual puns; erotic, violent and graphic. Not for all tastes. Very well done, though I have one gripe: some of the zombie make-up/special effects were very poor quality, out of sync with the overall excellence of the film.

Also recommended:

Frankenweenie http://imdb.com/title/tt0087291/
Cast a Deadly Spell http://imdb.com/title/tt0101550/
Popcorn http://imdb.com/title/tt0102690/

From the Archives: 'American' Film

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Sat, 04 Nov 2006 05:18:00 +0000

It's funny. At the video store I'd noticed lots of releases with 'American' in the title.

American Beauty
American Psycho
American Pie
American Pimp
American Movie
American Perfeck
American Virgin
American Women

It was tragic. Customers could get confused and rent the wrong thing. If you're in the mood for Lester Burnham, then Patrick Bateman just won't do.

Now, let's pretend we don't know the synopses of these films and write our own, shall we?

American Beauty (docu)
Defining the culture of American female beauty: pigmentation; fat distribution; jiggle and bounce.

American Psycho (docu)
Sociopaths and the women who love them.

American Pie (docu)
Apple, cherry, rhubarb, peach, pecan: sexual symbolism and baked goods.

American Pimp
Sex workers turn the tables on the sex business establishment.

American Movie (docu)
Film critics chronicle the declining quality of American mainstream film.

American Perfeck (docu)
On the educational system: why can't Johnny and Janey spell?

American Virgin (docu)
Hot dogs, apple pie and hymens: exploding the myths of virginity.

American Women
Broadway musical based upon The Kinsey Report: Originally titled Oh! Alfred!

Driven to Distraction

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 21:17:00 +0000

I really should work offline. Well, I do sometimes. I even keep a notebook with me for random bursts of inspiration. I sometimes find it easier to get into flow when writing longhand. Anyway.
When working online, research projects tend to go awry, as one link leads to another and another (well YEAH), and to more subject matter. I tend to get off task. Even when I'm in Word writing, that darn little paperclip animation distracts me, I have to check out all of its animations.

This morning I went directly into Word instead of signing online, and made progress on a short story (sorry, it's a secret!).

Now excuse me while I sign offline.

Stuff of Life

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 21:11:00 +0000

California can be a wonderful place to live (I do however prefer Northern CA). But real estate is unaffordable! I might have to move east to be able to afford a home. Real estate shopping via the internet is a trip! Always beware the angle of the photograph and consider what you're not seeing. There is likely another home, adjacent lot, about ten feet away. No privacy. Potentially loud neighbors. Ack! Google Earth the address to be sure. Isn't it amazing? One can likely see a frisbee on someone's roof. Wait . . . is it true . . . is Google an ultimate embodiment of (gulp) Big Brother? Let's not think about it.

When/if leaving California, there are lifestyle considerations:

You'll miss the food! Our produce sections are obscene, given the productivity of the Central Valley (er, um, agribusiness and related exploitation/pollution - go organic) . Our restaurant selection is awesome. Try getting this variety and quality in certain other areas of the US. Won't happen.

If you're a wine drinker, you'll miss our selection of quality, affordable wines. I was looking at property back east. I did research on blue laws. Some states do not sell alcohol on Sundays. The supermarkets do not sell beer or wine (how uncivilized!). I was reading a blog that reported one needed elaborate, detailed plans to acquire a simple bottle of wine - a process which might involve meeting someone in a dark alley ("Got some good shit here! A nice '99 Pinot Noir . . . for YOU, only sixty dollah!"). Sigh . . .

Stories

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 02:47:00 +0000

December 2005 ~ An editor informs me that Leather, Lace & Lust has been re-issued by Berkley Books!

Screen Play is anthologized in Maxim Jakubowski's The Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica, Volume Five

Spring 2005 ~ In my biker story "The Road Killers" I created my first urban legend: the Interior Design Chainsaw Killer. Hated plaid and doilies . . .

My short story Bodies of Water is anthologized in Amazons: Tall Tales of Strong Women.

May 2005 ~ I wrote a story set in New Orleans during hurricane season: Erica is a homicide detective who lives in the Quarter. More on this soon!

Spring 2005 ~ I received the news that my erotic story of a fantasy-driven screenwriter was accepted and will be anthologized in Maxim Jakubowski's Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica, Volume Five.

December 2004 ~ My Marilyn piece is out, featured in Wicked: Sexy Tales of Legendary Lovers! I enjoyed getting into the period of the nineteen-sixties and speculating: what might Marilyn and Jack have been like in their personal lives? Did the Love Goddess like to read Dostoyevsky in bed? Did the president find a messy bedroom to be a major turn-off?

Spring 2004 ~ Heads up for my erotic travel tale with a touch of the supernatural! It was fun and challenging to get into the characters and consciousness of spirits. In my piece "Whitewood" I particularly enjoyed writing the ghostly characters of Tennessee Williams and Truman Capote ( biographical film).

Summer 2003 ~ "Cashmeres Must Die" is accepted for Leather, Lace and Lust (M. Christian and Sage Vivant for Venus Books) and confirms that yes! the American nineteen-fifties was indeed a strange time (ahem, fetishes of course excluded).

Summer 2002 ~ My shocking first time: I receive the word that my Thelma and Louise parody "Tina and Lucille" was accepted for The Mammoth Book of Tales on the Road (Maxim Jakubowski and M. Christian for Caroll and Graf)!

Into the Night

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 14:48:00 +0000

It'd been a long night and I'd gotten none. Well, I'd gotten some. But it wasn't good and it wasn't enough. Sleep! I knew the consequences. They were not pretty: nerves jangled, brain rattled, teetering on the edge.

I'd sailed through the previous evening, cocky, arrogant: of course I'd be able to sleep. WROnnnnnng.

Reclining in bed in the dark, I drifted, feeling my mind going . . . going. Absurd mental images were a sure sign that I was going over the edge into unconsciousness. Yup. THERE they were: I saw a computer screen. On it seemed to be book titles. Yes! I was writing a horror novel! The Burning.The Glowing.The Digging. EeeekK! Cliches all. Then a last title: The Sleeping!

'Ha. FOOL. IDIOT.' The imagery told me. 'You were on the verge of sleep. You allowed a self-conscious reference into your drifting. Now you are AWAKE! BWmmmmmm hahahahaHA!' it said.

In left fetal position I once again drifted, almost there. I could feel my mind once again begin to release. "Woof!" barked my bichon. It was just one woof. But one badly timed woof is all it takes to slam me into tense consciousness.

Insomnia almost always precedes unusual dreams, when I finally sleep. The night's imagery would be of a Steve Buscemi Film Festival/Roast. I'd sat in the first row.

Market THIS!

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Sun, 21 May 2006 15:27:00 +0000

Products! We need new products! Current US markets obviously don't provide sufficient consumer goods. We need MORE . . . we are Americans, after all.

Organic Honeysuckle Nectar
Organic Honeysuckle Nectar would be produced without pesticides, herbicides, or machinery. Naked Vegetarian Virgin Goddesses would plant and harvest Organic Honeysuckle under optimal conditions, by moonlight. Upon harvest, each flower would be gently plucked. The stem would be delicately and slowly pulled from the flower's center, and the very small quantity of oozing nectar caught in a stoneware container. The product would be edible; could be used as a fragrance; could also be marketed as a hair conditioner, aphrodisiac and immune system booster. Drawbacks: Organic Honeysuckle Nectar would be very time consuming and expensive to produce and would have a very short shelf life due to it's lack of preservatives. It would cost approximately $500.00 per the half oz.

Organic Cotton Balls
Is it really necessary to process the entire cotton crop? Since cotton naturally sprouts from the earth in the form of poofy little balls anyway, why not simply market them as is? Leave them in the hull, which would provide a natural protective covering. Cut the individual hull covered poofs from the stalk. Put them in a gift basket and wrap with brightly colored cellophane wrap and ribbon. Put in upscale retail stores. Charge an arm and a leg. Watch the product quickly disappear from store shelves. Drawbacks: There might be consumer litigation due to the fact that cotton hulls are extremely sharp and tend to cut through skin. The ever-present redundant consumer warning label would probably not prevent accidents and lawsuits.

Dog TV Dinners
The ultimate in convenience, nutrition, and variety for our cuddly four- legged friends! Flavors might include Beef Chunk/Peas and Carrots/Cherry Cobbler Medley; Turkey/Mashed Potato/Cranberry Surprise; Chicken/Pasta/Spinach Casserole. For finicky eaters, canine pheromone enhanced Dog TV Dinners would be available. Also: the I Just Rolled In Dead Fish Smell enhanced Dog TV Dinner. Soon YOUR dog can have a Pavlovian response to the sound of the microwave timer! Ding! Woof! Drawbacks: Your pooch may never eat the cheap stuff again.

Diversified Fragrances
Why not be really creative, and add common, everyday scents to the mix of floral, spice, woods, herbs, fruit, and whatever else that happens to be in perfumes and colognes? Adding the scent of U.S. Currency to women's fragrances might attract men and drive them absolutely wild; adding the scent of chocolate to men's cologne could make women swoon; undertones of Mom's Apple Pie or Macaroni And Cheese Casserole would be a subversive addition to women's fragrances. The possible blends would be endless. Fragrances could be created to help the wearer achieve certain ends. It's Voodoo by Calvin Klein! Sniff! Not just for romance anymore! Drawbacks: Aromatherapy could be used for purposes of evil. Wait. Maybe it already is.

Miscellaneous Products
The Mega Fry And Dip From RonKo
It's the first combination deep fryer and hot tub! Perfect for those holiday gatherings! Fry up a huge vat of your favorite breaded hor d' oeuvres. Then simply drain your Mega Fry And Dip, refill with water, and have a relaxing soak with your friends! It's a must have item, from those innovators at RonKo!

The Clone-A-Matic Cloning Kit From RonKo
Would YOU like to achieve a greater sense of power over time, space, and other people? Would you like to create a whole new YOU? Confound your spouse, boss, and friends! The Clone-A-Matic Cloning Kit contains everything that you need to replicate! DNA Extraction Kit, Homosapien DNA Molecules, DNA Assortment Pak included. Added bonus: The RonKo Create-A-Fake ID Maker, including adhesive nametags (Hello! My Name Is . . .)

The Idiot's Guidebook To Idiot Guidebooks
What marketing genius came up with THIS series of books? See also: (insert subject here) For Dummies. Darn. I wish that I had thought of it.

Now go shopping already! You need more stuff.

My Phone Is Evil

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Thu, 04 May 2006 22:46:00 +0000

My phone is evil. It is quiet sometimes. I get a sense of mastery over my universe. Just when I think that I'm safe in my reverie, It bleats. It is unpredictable in ways. I am never sure just when It is going to ring. It is sneaky.

Its signal explodes into my environment, necessitating me to pick up Its receiver. With a sense of foreboding, I take the oddly shaped appendage into my hand, and cradle It next to my ear. There are words inside. Soon the words will be inside my head. My brain will be forced to process the words. I will then be forced to send words back. Is this really necessary?

The words are often trivial, repetitive and boring. The words are perhaps evil as well, becoming so through osmosis as they pass through time, space, and phone entity gods. The words bombard me. My voice mail is evil as well. It saves up the words that the phone brings. I hate it when this happens.

My phone and fax machine do not get along. Manifesting a power play, It tends to sabotage the other. Currently, the fax machine is out of order; the phone smirks. Can't we all just get along?

My phone is evil. Perhaps It impacts more than just the fax machine. My adding machine and my pencil sharpener have been acting up lately. It shares a work station with these other entities. Perhaps evil phone vibes radiate down into the desk counter , across, and up into other appliances. This could account for the mysterious electronic math mistakes, and for the violent destruction of number-two pencils.

Though my phone seems evil, It and I are heavily interdependent. I would not have a job without It. It lets me talk to friends. It lets me go to the internet. Life seems full of these little trade-offs. I think that I can cope. It's only evil, after all.

1999

Read Online Stories

afwaddell@gmail.com (. . .) — Thu, 05 Jan 2006 17:08:00 +0000

Synopses

An American writer encounters actor Robbie Coltrane at a London film festival.

A woman utilizes virtual reality and nanotechnology to create and recreate experiences.

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